so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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