Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
