she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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