I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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