I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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