I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
