when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
