ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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