Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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