omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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