I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
