you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
