if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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