i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize