I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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