Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
