You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
