Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
