i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
