i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
