Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
