she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
