I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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