you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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