My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
