my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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