It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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