My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
