I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
