Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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