i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
