that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
