i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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