Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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