shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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