please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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