I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
