I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
