No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
