so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
