two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
