When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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