Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
