My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
