dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
