I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
