Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
