headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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