i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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