My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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