i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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