Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
