I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
