We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
