I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Two words: nipple clamps
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