Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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