My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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