Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
What a dumb baby whore.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
